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Tag: success

  • Silence the Doubters: How to handle “You Can’t”

    Silence the Doubters: How to handle “You Can’t”

    We’ve all been there. The well-meaning, or sometimes not-so-well-meaning, voices that consistently whisper, or even shout, “You can’t do that.” Whether it’s a family member, a colleague, or even a stranger, these pronouncements can be incredibly discouraging.

    The most significant obstacle to your success isn’t the difficulty of the task itself, but rather the negativity of others … well and sometimes also yourself.

    What you’ll find inside:

    A disclaimer (and a cucial point): this isn’t about ignoring sensible warnings or engaging in reckless behavior. Obviously, don’t rob a bank. This post isn’t a celebration of stubbornness or disregard for practicality. This blog post focuses on navigating the constant negativity of naysayers, particularly when you feel trapped in a situation where you can’t easily avoid them.

    The Baseline: Don’t Listen. (Really.)

    The core principle here is simple, but surprisingly difficult to implement: don’t listen to the “you can’ts.” More often than not, those pronouncements stem from the other person’s limited perspective, not from an objective assessment of your capabilities. They’re projecting their own fears, insecurities, and limitations onto you.

    Think about it. Someone telling you “you can’t just learn coding and start a SaaS Start-Up” might be speaking from their own fear of failure or a lack of experience in the tech-world. They may see all the potential difficulties – the cost, the work, the competition – and assume you’re incapable of overcoming them. But what they don’t see is your passion, your resourcefulness, your willingness to learn, and your unique vision.

    Also read: “Embrace Failure To Achieve Victory“

    Why Do They Say “You Can’t”?

    There are several underlying reasons why people feel the need to shut down your ideas with a blanket “you can’t.”

    • Lack of Imagination: Some people simply lack the ability to envision possibilities beyond their own experience. If they haven’t done it, it must be impossible. It’s a failure of imagination, not a judgment of your potential.
    • Projected Limiting Beliefs: This is a big one. We all carry around limiting beliefs – things we believe to be true about ourselves and the world that hold us back. When someone sees you attempting something outside their comfort zone, it can trigger their own insecurities. They subconsciously project their limitations onto you, telling you that you can’t do it because they can’t.
    • Fear of Your Success: This can be subtle, but it’s real. Your ambition and willingness to take risks might make others uncomfortable. They may fear that your success will highlight their own lack of action or courage.
    • Genuine (But Misguided) Concern: Sometimes, people think they’re protecting you from disappointment or failure. They may genuinely believe they’re offering helpful advice, but their message comes across as discouraging.

    The Self-Assessment: Are You Ready to Believe in Yourself?

    Before dismissing all naysayers entirely, it’s crucial to do a little self-assessment. Ask yourself these questions:

    • Would I be enthusiastic to tell my friends and family about it? (But don’t tell them yet!) This gauges your internal passion. If the thought energizes you, it’s a good sign. Also checks on your moral compass of what you are about to do is in the realm of your “tribe”.
    • Am I capable of imagining how I have accomplished it? Can you visualize success? Can you mentally walk through the steps? This demonstrates a degree of feasibility in your own mind. If you can almost feel what you are about to imagine, then you are on the right track.
    • Am I capable of learning it? Is the skill or knowledge required within your reach? Are you willing to invest the time and effort to acquire it? Do you know, what you don’t know?
    • Am I capable of putting into action what I learned? Do you have the discipline and motivation to translate knowledge into action? Also here, are you willing to invest the time?

    If you answer “yes” to all these questions, then the only thing left to do is… just do it. Don’t overthink it, don’t seek endless validation, and don’t make a big deal out of it.

    Read also: “Trust your instincts“

    Start taking small steps toward your goal, and let your actions speak for themselves. Once you feel traction and initial sparks of success, start the show and tell tour.

    Three Habits for Coping with the “You Can’t” Crowd

    Okay, so you’ve decided to ignore the negativity and pursue your dreams. But what about dealing with the people who constantly tell you “you can’t”? Here are three practical habits to help you cope:

    1. The “Thank You, Moving On” Technique: When someone tells you “you can’t,” simply say “Thank you for your input,” and then immediately change the subject. This acknowledges their comment without engaging in a debate or allowing it to derail your momentum.
      Why it works: It asserts your boundaries and prevents them from drawing you into a negative conversation. You’re politely but firmly shutting down their attempt to control your narrative.
    2. The “Information Diet” Strategy: Limit your exposure to the negativity. If there’s someone in your life who consistently undermines your goals, reduce the amount of time you spend with them, or avoid discussing your ambitions altogether.
      Why it works: You’re protecting your energy and creating a supportive environment for your dreams to flourish. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and constant negativity will drain your motivation.
    3. The “Reflective Question” Technique: When someone says “You can’t do that,” instead of getting defensive or arguing, respond with a calm, open-ended question. For example, “What makes you say that?” or “Can you help me understand your perspective?”. Read also “the lost art of asking“.
      Why it works: This forces the person to articulate the reason behind their doubt. Often, their reasoning is flimsy or based on assumptions. It also shifts the focus from you to their own perspective, making them examine their own limitations. It doesn’t necessarily change their mind, but it can expose the weakness of their argument.

    Final Thoughts

    The world will always have its share of naysayers and the will cross your path anyways. Don’t let their limitations define you.

    Projecting limiting beliefs is a complex interplay of cognitive biases, emotional defense mechanisms, and neurological processes. It’s rarely about intentionally trying to bring someone down, but rather a reflection of the observer’s own internal world.

    Understanding this can help us to be more empathetic towards those who project negativity, while also strengthening our own resolve to pursue our goals, regardless of what others might believe.

    Remember, the only person who can truly tell you “you can’t” is yourself.

  • Rewire your brain: The Transformative Power of Psycho Cybernetics

    Rewire your brain: The Transformative Power of Psycho Cybernetics

    For years, I felt muted. Not in the sense of lacking opinions, but like my voice simply didn’t carry. In crowded rooms, during team meetings, even at a bar, I’d speak, and it felt like my words evaporated before reaching their intended ears. I’d rehearse what I wanted to say, try to project, but nothing seemed to work. I genuinely believed there was something wrong with how I communicated, some technical malfunction in my vocal delivery.

    After reading Maxwell Maltz’s “Psycho Cybernetics” I began to understand what was really happening. It wasn’t a vocal problem; it was a self-image problem. And, crucially, it was a problem I could change.

    What you’ll find inside:

    “Psycho Cybernetics” published in 1960 is a fascinating exploration of the human mind, drawing parallels between guided missile systems (the “cybernetics” part) and our innate ability to achieve goals. Maltz, a plastic surgeon, observed something profound in his patients: often, physical correction didn’t solve underlying emotional or behavioral issues. He realized the image people held of themselves was far more powerful than their physical appearance.

    The Sculpting of Self: How We Build Our Inner Image

    Maltz argues that our self-image isn’t something we’re born with, but rather something we build over time through our experiences – particularly in childhood. These experiences, whether positive or negative, create a mental picture of who we are. This picture, often subconscious, dictates how we perceive the world and, critically, what we believe is possible for ourselves.

    Think of it like this: imagine a sculptor slowly chipping away at a block of stone. Each experience, each interaction, is a strike of the chisel, shaping the final form. For me, early experiences of being talked over, or dismissed in group settings, had chipped away at my confidence, creating a self-image of someone whose voice wasn’t valued or heard. I wasn’t consciously trying to be quiet, my subconscious had simply decided that’s who I was.

    But the beautiful thing is, if the sculptor can continue to work the stone, they can also reshape it. Maltz explains that we can change our self-image using the same creative process we used to build it in the first place.

    Goal-Seeking Machines and the Limits of “Possible”

    Humans are, at their core, goal-seeking organisms. Our brains are wired to identify desired outcomes and then relentlessly work to achieve them. But here’s the catch: that pursuit of goals is always filtered through the lens of our self-image. (read also why feed your brain with decent information)

    Maltz introduces the idea of an “area of the possible.” This is the range of outcomes our subconscious believes we are capable of achieving. If your self-image is limited, your area of what you can imagine and actually do shrinks. You might have the talent, the skills, even the desire to reach for something bigger, but your subconscious will subtly sabotage your efforts, creating obstacles and self-doubt.

    I realized my muted voice wasn’t about a technical issue, but about a self-imposed limitation. I had unconsciously defined myself as someone who wasn’t meant to be heard and thought I was just a good listener. My subconscious wasn’t actively trying to silence me, but it wasn’t actively helping me project either.

    The Power of “Acting As If”

    So how do we reshape our self-image and expand our area of the possible? Maltz advocates a powerful technique: “acting as if.” But this is not about “fake it till you make it”. He encourages us to mentally rehearse success, vividly imagining ourselves already possessing the qualities and achieving the goals we desire.

    This isn’t just positive thinking. It’s about creatively experiencing the desired outcome through your imagination. It’s about immersing yourself in the feeling of success, allowing your subconscious to accept that new reality.

    For me, this meant practicing speaking with confidence, not just in private, but visualizing myself addressing a room and being listened to with genuine interest. I imagined the feeling of delivering a powerful message and the positive response it garnered. It felt silly at first, but slowly, it started to work.

    From Past Mistakes to Future Growth

    Maltz emphasizes the importance of focusing on the present and future, rather than dwelling on past mistakes. He isn’t suggesting we ignore our errors, but rather that we learn from them and move forward. He stresses that constantly revisiting the past only reinforces negative patterns.

    “Admit your mistakes and errors, but don’t cry over them. Correct them and go forward,” he writes. This resonated deeply. I had a habit of replaying past conversations, agonizing over what I should have said, which only reinforced my anxiety and self-doubt. Learning to acknowledge mistakes, correct them when possible, and then let them go was a crucial step in reshaping my self-image.

    „It doesn’t matter who’s right, but what’s right.“

    Furthermore, Maltz encourages us to practice empathy. “In dealing with other people, try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.” This shifts the focus away from self-absorption and fosters a more positive and constructive mindset.

    Three Habits to Implement from “Psycho-Cybernetics”

    Here are three actionable habits derived from the book that I’ve incorporated into my life, and which have made a significant difference:

    1. Mental Rehearsal (5-10 minutes daily): Before a potentially challenging situation (a presentation, a difficult conversation, etc.), spend 5-10 minutes vividly imagining yourself successfully navigating it. Focus on the feeling of confidence and positive outcomes.
      Why it works: This primes your subconscious for success, reducing anxiety and increasing the likelihood of a favorable outcome. It’s like practicing a skill in your mind before you physically perform it.
    2. “Error Correction” Journaling (Weekly): Once a week, review your past week and identify a mistake or something you wish you’d handled differently. Briefly acknowledge the error, outline what you’ve learned, and consciously commit to a different approach in the future.
      Why it works: This breaks the cycle of dwelling on past mistakes, fostering a growth mindset and reinforcing positive change. It shifts the focus from regret to learning.
    3. Perspective-Taking Exercise (Daily): Each day, actively try to see a situation from another person’s point of view. Consider their motivations, beliefs, and experiences. Try to understand the motivations and reactions of others, and respond with empathy and understanding.
      Why it works: This cultivates empathy and reduces self-centeredness, fostering more positive relationships and a more balanced perspective. It allows you to approach challenges with greater understanding and compassion.

    In conclusion, “Psycho Cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz offers a powerful framework for understanding and transforming your self-image. It reminds us that we are not fixed entities, but rather dynamic, evolving beings capable of reshaping our minds and achieving our full potential. And for me, it finally allowed my voice to be heard.

  • Unlock Your Potential by Asking the Right Questions

    Unlock Your Potential by Asking the Right Questions

    In an age of instant information – where answers to almost anything are just a Google search or LLM prompt away – it’s fair to ask: is knowledge really that important anymore? Why commit to a lifetime of learning when information is so readily available? Let’s explore whether the pursuit of knowledge still holds value in a world obsessed with quick answers.

    What you’ll find inside:

    Not knowing is default for everyone

    “Not knowing” is the default state for all of us, and for much of history, simply finding information was the challenge. So why go to school? While the stories of successful dropouts capture headlines, they represent the exception, not the rule.

    Formal education isn’t solely about accumulating facts; it’s about building a foundational understanding of core concepts. More crucially, it’s about learning how to learn – cultivating the skills to independently acquire knowledge, critically evaluate information, and adapt to a changing world. Ideally, education should spark curiosity, igniting a commitment to lifelong learning that extends far beyond the classroom and empowers us to navigate complexity with confidence.

    Applying knowledge matters

    Knowing about something isn’t the same as knowing how to do it. Applying knowledge is about intentional action – taking what you’ve learned and actively using it to solve problems or create something new.

    Consider Pythagoras’ theorem – most of us learned it in school, but how often do we consciously use it in daily life? Perhaps you’re hanging a picture and need to ensure it’s level, or calculating the diagonal length of a new TV to see if it fits in your space. These seemingly small applications demonstrate the power of translating abstract knowledge into practical solutions. It’s in these moments that learning truly comes alive.

    But what happens when you have the knowledge, yet still struggle to apply it – that frustrating gap between understanding and execution? The best course of action isn’t to beat yourself up, but to question the knowledge itself.

    Revisit the fundamentals, ask clarifying questions until you arrive at the same understanding consistently, and then, crucially, ask yourself: ‘What do I need to know to start applying this?’

    Break down the task into smaller, manageable steps, and focus on the specific skills or information you’re lacking. It’s through this iterative process of questioning, refining, and applying that true mastery emerges.

    Learning is to ask the right questions

    True learning isn’t about passively receiving information; it’s about actively seeking it through thoughtful questions. Asking questions isn’t just a sign of curiosity, it’s a demonstration of intellectual humility – acknowledging what you don’t know.

    For many, this takes courage, as exposing gaps in our knowledge can feel vulnerable, a perceived weakness. But this fear is misplaced. Consider the foundation of all scientific discovery – it began with a question.

    Beyond personal growth, questioning is a powerful leadership tool. A well-placed question doesn’t just prompt you to rethink assumptions, it forces those you direct it towards to critically examine their own perspectives.

    So, how do we learn to ask the right questions? That’s a fantastic starting point for any journey of learning.

    Habits to cultivate a curious mind

    Turning questioning into a habit requires conscious effort, but the rewards are significant.

    1. The ‘Five Whys’ – Uncovering Root Causes

    • How to Implement: When you encounter a problem, statement, or situation, start by asking “Why?” After you receive an answer, ask “Why?” again about that answer. Repeat this process five times (or until you reach a fundamental reason).
    • Why it Works: This technique bypasses superficial explanations and forces you to drill down to the core of an issue. Often, the initial answer is a symptom, not the root cause. Each “Why?” peels back a layer, revealing deeper insights and prompting more targeted questions. It’s incredibly effective for problem-solving, process improvement, and understanding complex systems.

    2. Assumption Busting – Challenging Your Beliefs

    • How to Implement: Consciously identify your assumptions about a topic, situation, or person. Then, actively ask yourself, “What if my assumption is wrong?” Explore the implications of that possibility. Consider alternative explanations and perspectives.
    • Why it Works: We all operate with ingrained biases and assumptions. These can blind us to new information and limit our understanding. Challenging these assumptions forces us to think critically, consider different viewpoints, and avoid making hasty judgments.

    3. The Beginner’s Mind – Embracing Curiosity

    • How to Implement: Approach every situation as if you know nothing about it. Ask basic, seemingly obvious questions – “What is this?”, “How does it work?”, “What are the fundamental principles at play?”. Resist the urge to rely on pre-existing knowledge or make quick assumptions.
    • Why it Works: When we think we already know something, we stop truly seeing it. The beginner’s mind cultivates a state of open-mindedness and curiosity, allowing us to absorb new information and identify gaps in our understanding. It prevents us from falling into the trap of confirmation bias to seeking out information that confirms our existing beliefs.

    By consistently practicing these habits, you’ll not only improve your ability to ask better questions but also cultivate a more curious, open-minded, and insightful approach to learning and problem-solving. It does not take much, to stand out of the crowed.

    For all the book worms, I recommend reading “QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability in Work and in Life” by John G. Miller.

  • In 1910 someone discovered the science of getting rich

    In 1910 someone discovered the science of getting rich

    Wallace Wattles argues in his book “the science of getting rich” that the universe is abundant and desires to lavish its riches upon us. It appeared in print in 1910 and inspired Rhonda Byrne’s ‘The Secret’. You will also find it for free at Project Gutenberg.

    What you’ll find inside:

    The power of positive thinking

    Wattles advocates for the power of positive thinking and constant focus on one’s goals to attract wealth and success. His mantra start with the following sentence and he repeats it throughout the book.

    „Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance can cause the thing he thinks about to be created“

    Source:
    The Science of Getting Rich
    Wallace D. Wattles

    This might sound familiar, if you read “the secret” or are familiar with the idea of “law of attraction”. But to believe that good things are coming your way in a sense of “Just make a wish” is not what the author is up to.

    For him it is about priming yourself towards what you truly desire. To create a clear and definite mental image of the things you wish to have, to become or to do. Basically he asks you to focus on what you want with all you have. According to him, it is not about how hard you focus, but how firm you believe is.

    Transform from Competitive to a Creative mind

    Wattles states one prerequisite that is true today, as it was 100 years ago: it is to pass from the competitive to the creative mind.

    Have you ever wished for something so bad, that you were envious of others? Or have you wished to be able to do something and you tried so hard, that you didn’t recognised the solution at hand? This is the mindset that Wattles wants you to pass since it is not in harmony with the “formless intelligence” as he calls it.

    Gratitude is for him the key to align your creative mind. When you are grateful, you crowd out envy and competition. Being grateful will make you aware of your life situation and all the positive things around you. This will allow the creative energy to flow through established channels of natural growth and industrial and social order, as he states.

    This sounds very similar to thought shared by Ken Honda in his book “Happy Money“. He also emphasises on gratitude when it comes to your income, but also spending. Also in the book “Psychology of Money” you will find references towards greed vs. learning what you actually really desire.

    Believing is not enough, be useful

    While the creative mind is what enables the law of attraction, it does not imply that you get what you want. “The secret” by Bryan stops here and states, that it is enough to believe and you shall receive. Wattles believes in taking inspired action and living in harmony with nature’s intentions to achieve prosperity and personal growth.

    „In order to receive his own when it shall come to him, man must be active; and this activity can only consist in more than filling his present place.“

    Source:
    The Science of Getting Rich
    Wallace D. Wattles

    Wattles also has a timeless answer how to be active. According to his instructions, you should give everyone a use value in excess of the cash value you receive. If you think about it, he encourages you to contribute to abundance in life. So every of your transactions makes for more life.

    I would simplify this by stating that instead of just being and wishing, you could be useful to others and add your value to life. Being grateful will make you see what you have to offer already today, even if this might not seem much to you, it might mean the world to me or others.

    Conclusion

    • Be aware if your mindset is in the competitive or creative.
    • Establish an habit of gratitude. This can be in form of a question what you are thankful for in the evening or by saying thank you to yourself every time you do something that creates value e.g. spending money or finishing a craft etc.

    Further reading:

  • Planning personal growth done right?

    Planning personal growth done right?

    When you are young and see your future self thriving, achieving dreams, and growing into the person you aspire to be. Once you grow older, you might catch yourself saying “I had big plans”. Or even be sad about the fact, that your plans didn’t work out yet.

    What you’ll find inside:

    Most of the people I know get the planning wrong, as their plans don’t survive reality. It is not only the plan itself, but the process of planning itself. It helps you figure out if what you’re doing right now makes sense.

    You don’t have to be smart, but have a plan

    People often think success comes from being intelligent. But having a good plan can be just as important, or even more important. While smart people think fast, a plan offers structure and direction. It is a blueprint for anyone, regardless of their intellectual abilities, to achieve their goals.

    With defined steps in place, you can navigate obstacles with confidence and focus, ensuring that your efforts are aligned with your objectives. Having a good plan and thinking ahead means you don’t have to rely on sudden, brilliant ideas. It shows that steady, step-by-step efforts can make up for not being the smartest.

    Gru on planning, but missing execution step

    You plan, God laughs

    The trouble with plans is that only those that work in the real world are helpful. Exactly this is the hard part of planning and we will get to that.

    But even bad plans are better than nothing. Because the process of planning is equally important as the plan itself. Crafting a plan helps in cultivating valuable skills such as discipline and time management. When you work with a plan, you are more likely to develop a problem-solving mindset, as the process requires thinking ahead and analyzing potential outcomes. This strategic approach encourages continuous learning and adaptability, which are crucial traits in any field.

    Hope for the best, plan for the worst

    Even if you don’t have all the answers at the onset, a plan allows you to identify resources and support systems you may need, ensuring that you are not working in isolation. Planning helps us do things better. It shows that anyone can succeed if they organise, try hard, and keep going.

    What makes a good plan?

    Our future is filled with unknowns – this is reality for all of us. A good plan does not pretend this was not true. It embraces the this fact with room for errors. Because the more you need specific elements in your plan to be true, the more fragile your plan becomes.

    Margin for mistake can come in different forms for you plan and planning process:

    • Loose timeline: Not relying that e.g. you have to master a skill by a defined deadline. If you do, this will be a bonus on top, but if you don’t, there should not be extra punishment.
    • Flexible thinking: This could be a wiggle room for interpretation of your personal growth aspiration. Loosing five pounds in three months might be harder to achieve than becoming someone that lives healthy. See also goals vs system oriented thinking.
    • Use of resources: Be it time, money, machines or other people – you can adopt the way on how you make use of it. Being cost-effective or extravagant might help in overcoming the challenges you might face.

    I got it wrong for so many years that leaving room for error has nothing to do with being conservative. Conservative thinking is about avoiding a certain level of risk. You do not want to limit yourselves, especially if it is about personal growth plans.

    Following this advice you are planning for what is not going according to your plan. I feel that especially the wiggle room for mistakes in planning is under appreciated. If considered well it will raise your odds to succeed by allowing you to stay on course with your plan. It allow you to change course without abandoning the whole plan and start over again or even worse quitting.

    But keep in mind: Even your best plan is just an idea unless you put it into action.

    Conclusion

    • A plan is the lynchpin between your intention and the actual action. 
    • Plans are only useful, if they can survive reality. And all our future reality is filled with unknowns.
    • Many plans don’t work out not because they’re bad, but because they’re just okay when they actually need to be perfect.

    Further readings:

  • Embrace Failure To Achieve Victory

    Embrace Failure To Achieve Victory

    As I watched my son take his first unsteady steps, I couldn’t help but be aware of the potential pitfalls and dangers around him.

    It was in these moments, observing my son growing up, that I began to truly understand why failing is the most normal thing in the world and starting to ask myself the question why we as grown-ups have such a hard time when it happens to us.

    What you’ll find inside:

    About trial and error while growing up

    Childhood is a continuous journey of trial and error. Every new skill, every milestone, we achieve through a series of attempts and failures. Even though my son figured out to e.g. open the door, he continued to experiment and explore different ways to achieve what he had in mind.  While researching on this topic, I learned is totally a normal thing for kids. They take the risk of failure just to explore whether there is an alternative to get things done.

    Continuous retry and failure of Patrick Star

    When we grow older our capability of handling failures changes the same way as experience success. There is a correlation when I think about it. 

    Latest in Kindergarden, kids start comparing themselves with others and potentially get the feeling that winning or being successful increases their acceptance amongst their peers and hence increases their social worth. This follows through in several aspects of today’s society. Being the smartest and getting the confirmation with excellent grades. Being the best by getting the confirmation of winning a tournament. Even team sports like soccer have their individual champions. Or what about social proof on social media by comparing who has the most followers? 

    Failure is a universal experience

    But everyone fails at some point, in some way. It’s the common thread that binds us all, from the toddler learning to walk to the CEO launching a new venture. Some of us are in a state of constant failure due to how they set goals. Yet, despite its universality, we often stigmatise failure.

    When I failed in my early days I remember that I was told to know better, since I was old enough to do better. In the majority of cases there is no „well done for trying“. We fear failure and avoid it because we feel ashamed when it happens.

    Avoiding to do something new because of fear of failure is a missed learning opportunity.

    Sometimes, our fear of failing is so intense that it stops us exploring new opportunities. The purpose of the emotion fear is to make us alert. But this emotion can actually hold us back in our comfort zone when we have the chance to grow and broaden our horizons.

    Stop the fear roller coaster and start fresh

    I reflected on all my main failures in the past and there were many from what I can tell. And since I tend to be hard on myself, I also asked a friend to share his point-of-view on my failures.

    Once I acknowledged, that my failures are not a reflection of my worth, but were an opportunity to improve, things got a lot easier. And with things I mean my approach to try our new stuff and experiment with my existing behaviour and habits. But getting to accept failures being part of the game is the hard part. How to get to this state is very individual. I will share with you what worked for me, as someone who was thought that failure are bad and to be avoided. 

    It all started with reflecting on my son’s behaviour of incautious learning. Be it learning riding a bike, swimming or building lego robots at some point, he got so frustrated that what he did was not according to what he had in mind, that got very angry and eg. Threw his half way built robot across the room. The robot was broken, he started crying because he was angry about the it and about himself on what he just did.

    It was a personal failure for him. He had a clear expectation in his mind, how the robot would look like and it didn’t match reality. Once we talked about that it is not OK to throw things around and all the emotions that overwhelmed him, he again started calmly to build the robot again – with a better version, as he stated. 

    From that I derived three actions to myself when it comes to personal failing: 

    1. Every time I fail emotions like frustration or anger are necessary vents to steam off. I let it happen. If possible, I try to direct these emotions into some kind of constructive activity. I figured that journaling it out of my head or any kind of immediate physical activity releases the initial spike of stress. 
    2. I reflect on why it is a failure and why I see it as such. Is it because of my own expectation towards the outcome or are there expectations by someone else. Especially if it me setting the bar high I ask someone who I trust for help to reflect. Depending on the topic this is my wife, friend or even good old internet.
    3. I accept failure by asking myself, if I tried with all I have. Sometime this is not case, then I need to understand why in order to improve the next time. But if I honestly answer this with a yes, I come to peace with the myself and my failure. 

    Don’t just “try again” or “try harder”

    If you are missing the standard phrases of „stand up, dust yourself off and try again“, it is because I believe they are too generic to be shared with anyone as actionable advice. Even for things you really want, it is too naive to blindly follow this advice. Some times it is better to quit, than wasting energy on a something with low probability of achievement and the early you know, the faster you can focus on something else. 

    For me, the main factor in deciding whether to try again is if it boosts my energy level. Consider my love for making music and playing the guitar. It feels so exciting and powerful to be the one creating the sound, melody, and rhythm.

    However, learning to play “Nothing Else Matters” has been a frustrating journey. I often fall short of my own expectations during practice because it just doesn’t sound like the original. Still my energy level increases with every try. That is why I see it as an important reflection point before trying again.

    If I give it my all, maybe even multiple times, and it leaves me feeling drained, I’m perfectly fine with accepting that this as a failure and moving on to something else. But stepping back and don’t trying again, doesn’t mean that you lost for ever. Just this time it didnt work out.

    From this failure, I learned something valuable. I was brave enough to try, and that courage will make it easier for me to attempt new things in the future.

    Summary: on failing and why it is the path to go for winners

    • Accept that failing is part of the game in everything you and also others do in life. 
    • As long as trying makes you feel engaged and brings positive energy you are on track.
    • Once trying is just a sucker of your energy change the approach or try something else.

    Further readings: